Sunday, October 7

Judge Dredd, teddy bears, and heavy weapons

Oh, Hollywood. What an opportunity you've missed.

Back in 1995, the Sylvester Stallone/Rob Schneider vehicle Judge Dredd was released. It was an adaptation of the Judge Dredd character that had long appeared in 2000 AD comics, but unfortunately did not live up to the hopes of dedicated fans. Generally panned by critics (e.g., only 16% positive on the Tomatometer), it hasn't held up much better over time (just 4.6/10 at IMDB).

Rather than the tale of police state extremes, cannibalism, political intrigue, and cloning horrors the film turned out to be, it could well have adapted this insane story by the awesome Garth Ennis in 2000 AD #737. It's about a mutant teddy bear that goes goes ballistic, blowing away a kid's toys before getting really violent. We're talking Rambo meets the Ewoks. This image is from just moments before those poor stuffed bastards met their doom:

Our mutant friend doesn't just target toys, however. This annoying human gave him lip about being all terroristic and such, and accordingly received a swift punch in the man-parts.

That sort of thing would have Bob Saget handing out $10,000 prizes on America's Funniest Home Videos, and was pretty much the whole basis of the Police Academy films. Box office gold.

As an aside... best use of the word "crunk" ever?

The action really picks up when Judge Dredd notices the commotion and decides to take down the featured fuzzy mutant (and godless killing machine). They're both packing heavy weapons, and more than willing to use them. It's Stephen Colbert's worst nightmare.

With both Judge Dredd and his mutant adversary refusing to yield, the climax commences with a heated exchange of weapons fire. They're evenly matched, for a while. Intense!

Then Dredd goes all out, firing the incendiary round...

And that, plus being hit head-on by a truck, is all she wrote for the mutant teddy bear threat. OR IS IT?

Maybe squeeze a little love story in there, hopefully not involving the bear, and we've got ourselves a blockbuster... with 100% less Rob Schneider! Studio execs, feel free to contact me via the C&T e-mail for further consultation. I smell a sequel....

Bonus mp3: Frank Anthony - (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear [Mann/Lowe]


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